what a weekend!

so i got into town on friday night, hoping to "win" her back, but i dend up fucking up the whole evening, first by fucking her car up, then by crying about losing my chances with her completely, i don't know why i'm such a softie, i cry alot. i've always been like that. that sucks, she's got more balls than me sometimes. then on saturday, i woke up early and went to her place so we could get started on fixing her car. it took a while since we had to pick up several things for her mom. we went back to her place, she got ready, and when she came back out, OMG OMFG, she is soooooooo much more beautiful. she is wonderful, i didn't think she could get any more beautiful than she already was, but DAMN! Shit! Fuck! why did i not bealive her that she could get hotter? she looks so much better! she is beautiful! well, we then set back to her sisters to finish up on the car.

"hey Dan(smiles)...(turns around) no nevermind, i'll tell you in the future. i'll tell you when the time is right (smiles again)."

i wonder what that meant. it got me so antsy, did it make her happy? did it turn her on? did she realize i'm good for her, even for that one instant? I wish i knew. i wish i knew it all. i wish i knew what is going on, i wish i knew. i wish i knew what was really on her mind, i mean i know she tells me alot, but, i wish i knew just a little bit more, that is why i ask her thousands of questions, i pester her, i bombard her with sooo so so many questions. she gets annoyed with it, that is why i give it a rest between bombardments, but i think that this morning, sunday morning she was a little to tired for me to be asking too many questions, she was pestered with me asking her so many of the same questions over and over this weekend. well, back to saturday, when we were at her sister's house, she looked so beautiful walking barefoot in the grass. she looked so beautiful in her new express clothes, she felt preppy, but she looked so so nice, oh so beautiful. i wish i could've hugged her a bit more, i wanted to have her between my arms, i feel like there is someting missing in my life,or in my chest. so once we got her car done, we headed to our own respective homes, and i changed. LOL, funny story, she was wearing a purple blouse, and before i left san marcos, i packed only one nice shirt, a purlple shirt, its a different shade of purple than her blouse, but it was purple... we looked like one of those matching couples, i didn't mind the couple part, but the matching, she minded both parts. oh well. it was funny, it sucked, i wasn't too sure if i should wear that. oh well. so we then set off to her dad's house, i didn't expect to be there long, but he had drunk a couple of beers, and so he was buzzin pretty bad, and therefore was telling us alot of stories, which i thought were insightfull, and interesting, especially because they were about miriam, and her brothers, but mostly about miriam. did i mention i liked her? i want her to get back with "Daniela", lol. so... we stayed till about 7:30 or so, and then the way back was long, since i was a little confused about the road to take. oh well, never the less we ended up in a place all too familiar to me, which facilitated getting back home. we stopped by her house, had a little of fun with Thomas, a friend of ours who is going to serve military time in Guam for apparently five years, sucks i know. we spent time with her other brother's girlfriend, and then we came back to my place with her brother Hebert. we hung out for a little while, i really enjoyed hanging out with her, but i also wanted to hang out with my dad since his birthday is today. he is actually still asleep as we speak, and i am about to head back to san marcos. it sucks. so back to chronological time. we hung out, then they went back to their place. i was sad :( she was sleepy, i did though get to caress her hair a couple of times while she was laying on my bed. when she was laying on my bed it reminded me of old times when we would sleep together, i love to hold her when we sleep together. it took me a while to get used to it, it was uncomfortable at first, but once i got used to it, i fell in love with it. it was funny to hear that since she was a little girl she needs somebody to sleep with. it made me happy that i was the one taht made her feel safe and comfortable, i want to continue to be that one, i loved to be there for her. i love to be there for her when she needs someone, i love to be ther for her when she's crying, i love to be there for her when she's happy i love to be there for her even when she's pissed, thats right i said it, even when she's pissed. so i took her out for breakfast this morning and i had fun, i wanted to kiss her, i wanted to remind her that she loves to kiss me, she said that i kiss better than Ramon, so i wanted to remind her of who she fell in love with first, i don't want her to fall in love with him, even though i don't know the poor gy, i know he wont love her the same wasy i do, i know he wont care for her the way i do, hell, he won't feel about her the way thomas does, and i know he feels pretty strongly about her, but not as strong as i. i dated her for three years almost, i love her like no other. i hope she realizes that she loves me. if she realizes that she really doesn't, then that sucks, which actuallly brings me to another point... is she really sure that she doesn't love me? is that what is going on? i want to ask her taht, but i don't want to pester her too much more with questions, i know i've annoyed her already, i'm going to give her a little bit of space, but i don't want to be pushed out of her mind, i don't want her to forget about me, i want to be in an open relationship with her. i love her. i know its too late, but i don't care if she dates him, i don't care if she just uses him to distract herself from missing me. i wish thats what the problem was, that she misses me so much, doesn't know what to do, and so expresses it in a "negative" way. i mean, she is very different, she does have a lot of hard, and confusing layers at the top. i like to talk on the phone with her. its cool, i like it, she is fun and entertaining. sometimes we don't even talk, she'll sing or i'll sing(which annoys her sometimes, unless its a song she wants me to sing). i am quite surprised at myself that i haven't been an asshole exboyfriend, thusfar, thats not to say that i am not jealous, but i want to be civil, and chivalrious, i want to show her that i am a man, a true man, who can control himself, even though its hard for me to control the waterworks, which sucks. most of all, i wish she comes back into my arms, where she belongs. P.S. i don't think she should pay any attention to the phsycic lady. i know she believes in alot of paranormal, michan does, but i feel that what the palm reader told her was too general for anyone. i mean, what else could she have told a 12 year old girl. Chan, i am no mistake. P.S.S. I wanted to tell you that even though i shouldn't spend money on you, and even though i do want to spend money on you, i just want to buy you those contacts, and that was going to be it, i do want to reward you for a job well done.

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