I feel Lost. Where do i go? What do i do? How do i do it? When do i do it?

I'm so confused. I know what i want. At least think i do. i don't even know anymore. I have a sad little life going right now. I'm at a crossroads. It hurts so much. its just so much that it hurts and sometimes i wish i could just wake up and it'll be gone. i won't have to worry about it. i don't know if i should wait or not. i love her. but idk if i should have my hopes up the way i do. i mean damn she can be the coolest person ever, but there are times when i do question myself. i'm sure everybody goes through this which is why i didn't worry about it at first. i don't know, should i be calling an end to it? i don't want to let her go but its so hard for me to go on with out her, she's as much part of me as my left arm, and if we're both dysfunctional in society, then so be it. so what. i don't care as long as i'm with her. but then that brings me to other points. will i be able to handle her? says she thinks too much, "overthink"s but i question myself, "does she even think" no offense to her. i mean, look at my situation, yet she still wants me to go about life as "normal" as she? yea sure there are things i can do, "normaly" of course, but i just want to play it safe, there is too much for me at stake here, i have had BIG hopes and dreams until now that is, ive become too much of a cynic. Thanks. I don't want to just throw it all away. nora doesn't go to college... nora's parents don't own a business, do they pay taxes, idk, don't think so. they're (i think) you're average Mexican family, just here to reap the benifits, without contributing to society. sure they' aren't bad people they aren't criminals. ok ok, thats all fine and dandy, but i don't think they have any/many/big aspirations. i mean, what does brenda want for her future? i want to be a full functioning "American" as of right now i'm a half functioning american. i do what i can, and if given the choice, i'd probably be in the AF. Fuck me. fuck me for thinking this, but i feel like i could be one of the best things that can happen to anyone, and she's throwing this away. i can't help but feel hurt. i try but yet she's throwing this away.
sure i listen to what my dad says, sure i obey. but doesn't he pay my tuition, room and board, and on top of that expenses that i may have? i have to do something in return, and soon enough i'll be giving even more, my grades. sorry that you don't think that way, but i guess you can say that i'm full time son. thats my job, i don't always like my boss, i don't always agree with my boss, but i want to go to school, i want to better my self, and how else would i be doing it? couldn't without him, so what option does that give me? thats right, do what he says.
all i'm saying is that i love you, despite everything, despite your laziness, despite your weird attitudes, despite your rudeness at times. i love you despite shit that even your mom finds despicable.
"Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." (From Juno)
and i do i really do. i almost worship the floor you step on, and the bed you sleep on. i just don't know how much longer i can go with this pain. plz plz plz come back to me soon, before its too late...

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